After having a baby, couples often find it difficult to reconnect with each other like before. Most of their time is focused on taking care of the baby’s needs. There’s a lack of physical and emotional intimacy which leads to a sexless marriage after baby. If your marriage is heading towards being a sexless marriage after baby, watch out for the red flags.
Sexless Marriage After Baby- Why Does It Happen?
When a couple has a baby, the primary focus is the new family member. If the man has to attend to his office and work after a few days, couples may decide to sleep apart. As practical as it sounds, not sharing the same bed does have its repercussions on a couples’ intimate life.
According to our panel gynaecologist Dr Ankita Patel Tayal, in the first six months postpartum, women are about twice as likely to report having sexual dysfunction than they are prior to giving birth.
What starts with sleeping apart turns into a long-term sexless marriage. There could be several reasons why couples find it difficult to have sex after having a baby. While some of these reasons could be physical, some could be emotional and psychological too. Here are some reasons that lead to a sexless marriage after baby.
1. You may be sleep deprived
One of the major reasons why women lose their sex drive is lack of sleep. According to a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, every hour of additional sleep can improve a woman’s likelihood of having sex by 14%. This is because a longer sleep helps in gaining better genital arousal in women.
Taking care of a baby involves long hours, including at night. Many parents complain about not being able to have a good night’s rest during the early months after childbirth. If you feel like you have lost your sex drive after baby, sleep deprivation could be the reason.
This does not necessarily indicate a sexless marriage after baby, but a phase where sleep, rest and baby assume more importance than sex,
2. Postpartum depression
Pregnancy and childbirth can be an overwhelming experience. The entire experience brings in a series of emotions which could lead to postpartum depression. A study claims that about 13% of women experience postpartum depression.
After childbirth, postpartum depression is common among women. Women often tend to experience mood swings, hormonal imbalances, lack of sex drive, etc. due to postpartum depression. Postpartum depression begins within the first three months of childbirth. If sex is the last thing on your mind, postpartum depression could be one of the reasons.
3. Fear of painful sex
As per a study, about 89 % of women resume normal sexual activity within 6 months of delivery. The same study also said that 8.33 % of women did not resume sexual activity because of various reasons such as loss of libido, tiredness, fear of pain etc.
Pregnancy and childbirth bring in many physical changes in a woman’s body. During childbirth women may undergo surgeries for perineal or vaginal tears. The wounds of these surgeries might take some time to heal. Hence, the fear of ripping the stitches or aggravating those wounds may make women fear having sex again. This could be one of the most reason of a sexless marriage after baby.
Dr Ankita Patel Tayal, MD OBGYN, always advises her postnatal patients to perform pelvic floor exercises also called Kegel’s exercises to improve their vagina’s muscle tone, making sex more pleasurable because pregnancy and childbirth often stretch the pelvic floor muscles. These are simple easy exercises that you can do anywhere, anytime.
To do the exercise, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles and hold them contracted for about 5 seconds. Relax the muscle, then repeat the contraction 5 times. As your muscles get stronger, repeat the contractions 10 and then 15 times each day.
4. Lack of emotional connection
When was the last time you both sat together and shared intimate moments? After having a baby, couples often don’t get enough time to reconnect. There is no time, there is no energy and there is always so much to do.
They drift farther apart, without even knowing it. Slowly, there comes an invisible wall which becomes harder to break as time passes. Lack of intimacy after baby can be a result of lack of emotional connection. You may want to have sex with your partner, but that emotional intimacy that you used to feel has gone.
5. Use of contraceptives
After having the first baby, many women go on contraceptives for a while. Having contraceptives can reduce a women’s libido. Hormonal birth control lowers the body’s sex drive by making it think that it’s pregnant.
According to a study, “women who use oral contraceptive pills have decreased sexual desire and libido.” Hence, if you are on birth control, there’s a good reason why you don’t feel the urge to reconnect with your partner again.
9 Tips to Cope with A Sexless Marriage After Baby
If you’ve identified the red flags of a sexless marriage after baby, you ask yourself, why is my husband not attracted to me after baby? How should I seduce my husband after baby? While you may be longing to reconnect with your spouse, your spouse might feel differently. Coping with a sexless marriage after baby takes patience and effort from both partners. Here are 9 ways to be intimate after having a baby.
1. Talk to your partner
If you have realised that you are in a sexless marriage after baby, it’s time you sought for your partner’s help. After a baby, it is easy to drift apart. However, reconnecting with your partner after baby is the difficult step.
Maintain an open line of communication with your partner. Tell him what you are feeling and try to identify the reasons behind your dry spell, together as a couple. Talking to your partner will also help you in reconnecting with your partner on an emotional level.
2. Listen to your partner
You may be ready to have sex again but your husband may be hesitant. Your partner may be undergoing some emotional challenges which you may be unaware of. Once you talk to your partner about this issue, the bigger challenge is listening to your partner.
Listen to what your spouse has to say. Try to make him understand that you are there for him and you both will figure it out together. It is important to understand how your partner feels to cope with a sexless marriage after baby.
3. Spend more time with each other
After the baby, you may be spending time together as a family rather than as a couple. Though family time is important for strengthening your relationship with your baby, intimate times are equally important. You both need to spend some alone time to reconnect.
Make sure that you both spend at least 30 minutes together every day. It may be watching television, taking a walk or any other activity that you both like. Spending alone time with each other will help in rebuilding the foundation of your marriage.
4. Talk about your fantasies
After your baby’s birth, you might have noticed a shift in the type of conversations you have with your husband. Most part of your conversations may involve diapers, medicines, groceries, baby’s clothes, etc. You both may be turning into the mundane couple you dreaded.
Talk to your husband about your fantasies. These fantasies need not be sexual or erotic. Sharing your quirky or wild fantasies with your spouse helps in recreating those fun moments that you both would have before.
5. Take small steps
Immediately rushing into sex after having a baby may not be the best idea. You both may not be ready for this step. Rushing into sex after baby may create a sense of awkwardness and forced satisfaction in both your minds. It is important to take time while reconnecting with your spouse.
Introduce intimacy gradually to your partner. You may start by holding hands or giving a peck on the cheek. This will help your partner and you to get physically comfortable with each other before taking the big step again.
6. Set date nights
Lack of intimate moments can be one of the red flags in a sexless marriage after baby. No matter how busy you both get, it is important to share intimate moments together. Make it a point to set date nights every two weeks at least. Take the help of other family members to babysit your child.
Enjoy some time as a couple, not just as parents.
A romantic candle light dinner is a good way to rekindle the missing spark in your marriage. Take a short drive. Whatever you decide doesn’t have to be grand, but it should be something that helps you feel close and connected together- as a couple.
7. Build up desire
At times, trying too hard to seduce your husband after baby may drive him further. If your husband isn’t ready for a physical relationship with you, he will try to avoid you more.
Instead of coaxing your spouse on and on, try to build up his desire. You may begin with low-key intimate moments such as cuddling him, kissing his neck, wearing his favourite colours, etc. Begin with harmless flirting and leave things to his imagination. This will help in making him want you and connect with you again.
8. Stop restricting sex to intercourse
The idea of having intercourse with your partner again may seem difficult at first. You and your spouse will feel nervous like it’s the first time you both are having sex. The first step towards coping with a sexless marriage after baby is to not look at it as intercourse.
Think of sex as a way to increase your physical and emotional intimacy. Start with intimate gestures like passionately kissing your spouse or intimately touching and see where it goes from there. Keep intercourse off the table until you both desire to do it.
9. Go on a short trip
Couples out of their houses find it easier to have sex with their partner. This is because at home, they are not tied up with their chores or interrupted by any family member. A short trip can help in creating a pressure free environment for both you and your partner. You both will forget your family’s obligations for a few moments and dedicate this time to each other.
Having sex after your baby may take time. However, more than physical intimacy, your goal should be to rebuild emotional intimacy. Once your spouse feels that emotional connect, it will become easier to have sex with your spouse again.